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The Humor found here is mingled with Truth. You will find a mix of Poems and Humor and some mingled together
I hope you enjoy them.
THE RECORDING OF A CEMETERY
BY THELMA GREENE REAGAN
Today we walked where others walked
On a lonely, windswept hill;
Today we talked where others cried
For Loved Ones whose lives are stilled.
Today our hearts were touched
By graves of tiny babies;
Snatched from the arms of loving kin,
In the heartbreak of the ages.
Today we saw where the grandparents lay
In the last sleep of their time;
Lying under the trees and clouds -
Their beds kissed by the sun and wind.
Today we wondered about an unmarked spot;
Who lies beneath this hollowed ground?
Was it a babe, child, young or old?
No indication could be found.
Today we saw where Mom and Dad lay.
We had been here once before
On a day we'd all like to forget,
But will remember forever more.
Today we recorded for kith and kin
The graves of ancestors past;
To be preserved for generations hence,
A record we hope will last.
Cherish it, my friend; preserve it, my friend,
For stones sometimes crumble to dust
And generations of folks yet to come
Will be grateful for your trust.
Census Taker of Yesteryear
It was the first day of the census, and all through the land each
pollster was ready ... a black book in hand.
He mounted his horse for a long dusty ride, his book and some quills were tucked close by his
side.
A long winding ride down a road barely there, toward the smell of
fresh bread, wafting up through the air.
The woman was tired, with lines on her face and wisps of brown hair she
tucked back into place.
She gave him some water ... as they sat at the table and she answered his questions ... the best she was able.
He asked her of children.
Yes, she had quite a few -- the oldest was twenty, the youngest
not two.
She held up a toddler with cheeks round and red; his sister, she
whispered, was napping in bed.
She noted each person who lived there with pride, and she felt the faint stirrings of the wee one inside.
He noted the sex, the color, the age...the marks from the quill soon filled up the page.
At the number of children, she nodded her head and felt her lips
quiver for the three that were dead.
The places of birth she "never forgot" was it Kansas? or Utah? or Oregon... or not?
They came from Scotland of that she was clear, but she wasn't quite sure just how long they'd been
here.
They spoke of employment, of schooling and such; they could read some ...
and write some ... though not really much.
When the questions were answered, his job there was done so he mounted his horse and
rode toward the sun.
We can almost imagine his voice loud and clear, "May God bless you all for another ten years."
Now picture a time warp ... it's now you and me, as we search for the people
on our family tree.
We squint at the census and scroll down so slow, as we
search for that entry from long, long ago.
Could they imagine on that long ago day, that the entries they made would effect us this way?
If they knew would they wonder at the yearning we feel and the
searching that makes them so increasingly real.
We can hear if we listen...to the words they impart, through their blood in our veins and their voice
in our heart.
--Author Unknown
HUMOR
HELP ! I'm Addicted
And I Can't Log Off !!
____________________________________________________________
For those of you who may be unfamiliar with Bill Dollarhide, he is an
excellent lecturer and has written many books and articles regarding
genealogy. I thought you might enjoy this:
Dollarhide's Rules For Genealogy
1. Treat the brothers and sisters of your ancestors as equals....even
if some of them were in jail.
2. Death certificates are rarely filled in by the person who died.
3. When visiting a funeral home, wear old clothes, no make-up, and
look like you have about a week to live...the funeral director will
give you anything you ask if he thinks you may be a customer soon.
4. The cemetery where your ancestor was buried does not have
perpetual care, has no office, is accessible only by a muddy road, has
snakes, tall grass, and lots of bugs...and many of the old gravestones
are in broken pieces , stacked in a corner under a pile of dirt.
5. A Social Security form SS-5 is better than a birth certificate
because few people had anything to do with the information on their
own birth certificate.
6. The application for a death certificate you want insists that you
provide the maiden name of the deceased's mother...which is exactly
what you don't know and is the reason you are trying to get the death
certificate in the first place.
7. If you call Social Security and ask where to write for a birth
certificate, tell them it is for yourself...they won't help you if you
say you want one for your great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather
who died in 1642.
8. When you contact the state vital statistics office in your home
state and ask if they are "on-line" and they respond, "on what?," you
may have a problem.
9. A census record showing all twelve children in a family proves
only that your ancestors did not believe in birth control.
10. Work from the known to the unknown. In other words, just because
your name is Washington doesn't mean you are related to George.
11. With any luck, some of the people in your family could read and
write....and may have left something written about themselves.
12. It ain't history until it's written down. (See #19)
13. A genealogist needs to be a detective. Just gimme da facts,
ma'am.
14. Always interview brothers and sisters together in the same room.
Since they can't agree on anything about the family tree, it makes for
great fun to see who throws the first punch.
15. The genealogy book you just found out about went out of print
last week.
16. A good genealogical event is learning that your parents were
really married.
17. Finding the place a person lived may lead to finding that
person's arrest record.
18. It's really quite simple. First you start with yourself, then
your parents, then your grandparents... then you QUIT . . .and start
teaching classes in genealogy.
19. If it's not written down, it ain't history yet. (See #12)
20. In spite of MTV, computer games, and skate boards, there is
always a chance that your grandchildren will learn how to read
someday.
21. "To understand the living, you have to commune with the dead, but
don't commune with the dead so long that you forget that you are
living!" (From Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt)
by William Dollarhide
____________________________________________________________
It's 2000... Do you know where your-Gr-Gr-Grandparents are?!
1. My family coat of arms ties at the back....is that normal?
2. My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated.
3. My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!!!
4. Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
5. My hobby is genealogy, I raise dust bunnies as pets.
6. How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE??
7. I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap.
8. I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally challenged.
9. I'm searching for myself; Have you seen me?
10. If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help...
11. Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem leads to two more!
12. It's 2000... Do you know where your-Gr-Gr-Grandparents are?
13. A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.
14. A family tree can wither if nobody tends its roots.
15. A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away!!
16. After 30 days, unclaimed ancestors will be adopted!
17. Am I the only person up my tree... sure seems like it!
18. Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts and a few bad apples.
19. Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?
20. FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.
21. Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease, but I love it.
22. Genealogists are time unravelers.
23. Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide... I seek!
24. Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
25. "Crazy" is a relative term in my family.
26. A pack rat is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.
27. I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand.
28. I Should have asked them BEFORE they died!
29. I think my ancestors had several "Bad heir" days.
30. I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNEflower.
31. Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards as progress.
32. Share your knowledge; it is a way to achieve immortality.
33. Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!
34. It's an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening or a thief.
35. Many a family tree needs pruning.
36. Shh! Be very, very quiet.... I'm hunting forebears.
37. Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!
38. That's strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!
39. I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes.
40. Genealogists live in the past lane.
41. Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots!
42. Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree.
43. All right! Everybody out of the gene pool!
44. Always willing to share my ignorance...
45. Documentation... The hardest part of genealogy.
46. Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!
47. Genealogy... will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?!!
48. That's the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards.
49. I researched my family tree... and apparently I don't exist!
50. SO MANY ANCESTORS..................SO LITTLE TIME!
All I can say to that is ... AMEN!!! *wink*
How many ancestors do we have?? I sure hope the following doesn't get you
discouraged! LOL (Besides these listed, you have their other children,
their siblings, etc!) Whew!!
1 1 YOU
2 2 parents
3 4 grandparents
4 8 great grandparents
5 16 gg grandparents
6 32 ggg grandparents
7 64 gggg grandparents
8 128 ggggg grandparents
9 256 gggggg grandparents
10 512 ggggggg grandparents
11 1,024 gggggggg grandparents
12 2,048 ggggggggg grandparents
13 4,096 gggggggggg grandparents
14 8,192 ggggggggggg grandparents
15 16,184 gggggggggggg grandparents
16 32,768 ggggggggggggg grandparents
17 65,536 gggggggggggggg grandparents
18 131,072 ggggggggggggggg grandparents
19 262,144 gggggggggggggggg grandparents
20 524,288 ggggggggggggggggg grandparents
21 1,048,576 gggggggggggggggggg grandparents
22 2,097,152 ggggggggggggggggggg grandparents
WOW! Over 2 million ancestors!!!! [THUD!] "picking self up off the
floor" Guess we'd better get to work!
____________________________________________________________
23rd Psalm for Genealogists
Genealogy is my pastime, I shall not stray
It maketh me to lie down and examine tombstones
It leadeth me into still courthouses
It restoreth my Ancestral Knowledge
It leadeth me in the paths of census records and ships' passenger lists or my surnames' sake
Yea, though I walk through the shadows of research libraries andmicrofilm readers
I shall fear no discouragement, for a strong urge is within me
The curiosity and motivation, they comforteth me
It demandeth preparation of storage space for the acquisition of countless documents
It anointest my head with burning midnight oil
My family group sheets runneth over
Surely, birth, marriage, and death dates shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall dwell in the house of a family history-seeker forever.
___________________________________________________________
WOMEN'S WORK
The 1870 Ellis County, Kansas census, household 95, headed by
George Palmer, gives the following occupations for the ladies of
the house: "Ogles Fools"; "Diddles"; "Does Horizontal work"; and
"Squirms in the dark."
____________________________________________________________
Kinsman
Alas, my elusive kinsmen
You've led me quite a chase
I thought I'd found your courthouse
But the Yankees burned the place.
You always kept your bags packed
Although you had no fame, and
Just for the hell of it
Twice you changed your name.
You never owed any man, or
At least I found no bills
Inspite of eleven offspring
You never left a will.
They say our name's from Europe
Came state side on a ship
Either they lost the passenger list
Or granddad gave them the slip.
I'm the only one that's looking
Another searcher I can't find
I play (maybe that's his fathers name
As I go out of my mind.
They said you had a headstone
In a shady plot
I've been there twenty times, and
Can't even find the lot.
You never wrote a letter
Your Bible we can't find
It's probably in some attic
Out of sight and out of mind.
You first married a..........Smith
And just to set the tone
The other four were Sarahs
And everyone a Jones.
You cost me two fortunes
One of which I did not have
My wife, my house and Fido
God how I miss that golden lab.
But somewhere you slipped up,
Ole Boy, Somewhere you left a track
And If I don't find you this year
Well..........Next year I'll be back.
Original poem by Wayne Hand 1999
____________________________________________________________
THE ILLNESS
SYMPTONS: Patient continually complains of a need for names, dates and
places. Patient has a blank expression on his face and often seems deaf
to mate and children, has no taste for work of any kind, except for
feverishly looking through records, libraries, and courthouses. Has
compulsion to write letters and spends hours sitting at a computer.
Swears at mailman when he doesn't leave mail or threatens to kick
computer if here is no e-mail. Frequents strange places such as
cemeteries, ruins and remote desolate country areas. Makes secret night
calls and hides the phone bills from mate. Patient mumbles to self and
has a strange look in his eyes. Has a strange compulsion to gather and
scatter old papers all over the house, leaving piles of paper everywhere
with strange numbers and names all over them.
TREATMENT: No known cure. Medication is useless. Disease is not fatal,
but gets progressively worse. Disease is spreading throughout the
county very fast, quickly becoming an epidemic. Patient should attend
genealogy meetings, workshops, suscribe to genealogical magazines and
given lots more forms and a computer situated in a quiet corner of the
house where he or she can be alone. If family supports patient through
this, patient will occasionally come out of strange trance and will act
normal again, unless you drive by a cemetery or court house.
REMARKS: The unusal nature of this disease is such that the more sick
the patient becomes, the more he or she seems to enjoy it, sometimes
dancing with glee and yelling. I found it.
Best of wishes in your journey down
the river of life.
_________________________________________________
Computer Blessing
Blessings on this fine machine,
May its data all be clean.
Let the files stay where they're put,
Away from disk drives keep all soot.
From its screen shall come no whines,
Let in no spikes on power lines.
As oaks were sacred to the Druids,
Let not the keyboard suffer fluids.
Disk full shall be no more than rarity,
The memory shall not miss its parity.
From the modem shall come wonders,
Without line noise making blunders.
May it never catch a virus,
And all its software stay desirous.
Oh let the printer never jam,
And turn my output into spam.
I ask of Eris, noble queen,
Keep Murphy far from this machine.
_____________________________________________
Census Takers--True Stories
The Texas 1850 Federal Census schedule, Volume 3, written by H. Swaringen,
Asst. Marshall, 23 October 1850 contains this note written by the census taker.
"I certify these to be sixty-four pages and a piece of the inhabitants
and done as near in accordance with my oath as I could do it.
The people was hard to get along with!"
OCUPYUSHIEN CENSUS TAKER--
"I am a census taker for the City of Bufflow. Our city has groan very fast in
resent years and now in 1865, it has become a hard and time consuming
job to count all the peephill. There is not many that can do this work,
as it is necessarie to have an ejucashun, wich a lot of person still do not
have.
Ahnuther atribert needed for this job is good speling for many of the
peephill to be counted can harle speak inglish, let alon spel there names."
Are you still wondering why you can not find your ancestors on the census?
_______________________________________________________
You know you're taking genealogy too seriously if:..............
You are the only person to show up at the cemetery research party with a shovel.
To put the "final touches" on your genealogical research, you've asked all
of your closest relatives to provide DNA samples.
You were instrumental in having "non-genealogical use of the genealogy room
copy machine" classified as a federal hate crime.
Your house leans slightly toward the side where your genealogical records are stored.
You decided to take a two-week break from genealogy, and the U.S. Postal
Office immediately laid off 1,500 employees.
Out of respect for your best friend's unquestioned reputation for honesty
and integrity, you are willing to turn off that noisy surveillance camera
while she reviews your 57 genealogical research notebooks in your home.
The armed security guard, however, will remain.
You plod merrily along "refining" your recently published family history,
blissfully unaware that the number of errata pages now far exceeds the
number of pages in your original publication.
During an ice storm and power outage, you ignore the pleas of your shivering
spouse and place your last quilt around that 1886 photograph of dear Uncle George.
The most recent document in your "Missing Ancestors" file is a 36-page
contract between you and Johnson Billboard Advertising Company.
Ed McMahon, several TV cameras, and an envelope from Publishers
Clearinghouse arrive at your front door on Superbowl Sunday, and the first
thing you say is, "Are you related to the McMahons of Ohio?"
"A Loving Family" and "Financial Security" have moved up to second and
third, respectively, on your list of life's goals, but still lag far behind
"Owning My Own Microfilm Reader."
A magical genie appears and agrees to grant your any one wish, and you ask
that the 1890 census be restored.
___________________________________________________________
Geneaholism Caused by Virus
H. David Morrow Problems with computer viruses have forced me to do other virus research.
This led me into subjects besides computers. For
example, I found numerous documents, dating all the way back to
Sigmund Freud, that clearly indicate Geneaholism is caused by a
virus.
Freud concluded this after extensive testing on a number of
subjects. His first indication that this was not a mental
disease came from the fact that geneaholics salivate
uncontrollably when passing a cemetery. He concludedthat this
was neither learned behavior nor genetically inherited.
"Little children," Freud said (in German, of course), "have
absolutely no inclination to run about trying to find dead relatives.
Such activity in young patients would clearly
indicate a genetic defect. This is not the case. Therefore, this affliction must come from something they pick up in the air,like the "common cold."
Perhaps, and this is my own conclusion, the geneaholic is sneezed upon by someone at least two generations older.
Grandfathers are especially prone to unannounced bodily explosions and could be carriers of the GhV (Geneaholic Virus).
Further searching, mostly in libraries while waiting for my wife to finish viewing a census film, uncovered some of the early warning signs of the virus.
Gradual behavioral changes must be observed in the subject. For example, a well organized person
(neatnick) slowly becomes unorganized, even sloppy (slopnick).
The first signs are increasing stacks of documents and papers spread all over the house. At the point these piles appear in more than one room, the GhV is past the early treatment phase.
Slopnickism follows con traction of GhV as surely as certain expletives are uttered by a person hitting him/herself on the thumb with a hammer.
Early recognition of GhV and immediate treatment must begin as soon as the first room becomes unnavigable due to piles of notebooks, copies of vital record certificates and genealogical computer software.
Caregivers (live relatives and loved ones)
need not be concerned with catching the virus. Freud himself noted that geneaholism only rarely afflicts two people in an immediate family, although he did report multiple occurrences if more distant relatives are included.
Another sign of GhV is often confused with genetic sloppiness.
Note: sloppiness and slopnickism are two separate and distinct maladies. One treatment for sloppiness is to let the subject exist with dirty clothes and dishes until he/she decides to clean up. This treatment will not work for slopnickism, as the patient simply does not recognize that there is a problem.
Weight loss and sleeplessness are other confusing signs of GhV.
Gradual loss of weight comes from the patient spending constant hours in front of a computer reading family name databases instead of eating. Lack of sleep is from laying awake trying to figure out how (and why) great Aunt Tillie wound up in New Mexico when she had children in Kansas, was married in Michigan,
and was born in Rhode Island.
Absent a doctor who understands the patient's lifestyle, you will probably get a diagnosis of some disease that can be treated with medications or diet. As yet, there is no medication available that treats GhV.
However, I have discovered a formula that prevents it from getting worse. No longer will spouses have to face wearing yesterday's underwear inside-out, or having unrepaired gutters and down spouts, or having uncut grass in front of the house.
I am willing to sell this formula for a paltry sum, especially when compared to the costs of developing a new drug and testing it.
If you know someone with Merk, Pfizer, Bayer or other major drug company, and if you act as a finder for them, I'm sure they will be happy to pay you a few million as a finder's fee.
They will probably give you the money as soon as the formula is approved by the Genealogical Health Association (GHA).
Failing to find a drug manufacturer, I will have to move to South America and start my own cartel.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Humor only genealogists can appreciate:
My family coat of arms ties at the back....is that normal?
My family tree is a few branches short! Help appreciated
My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!
Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
My hobby is genealogy, and I raise dust bunnies as pets.
How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE??
I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap..
Im not stuck, Im ancestrally challenged
Im searching for myself; Have you seen me ?
If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help...
Isnt genealogy fun? The answer to one problems, leads to
two more!
Its 1999. Do you know where your-Great-G. Grandparents are?
A family reunion is an effective form of birth control
A family tree can wither if nobody tends its roots
A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away
After 30 days, unclaimed ancestors will be adopted
Am I the only person up my tree-seems like it
Any family tree produces some lemons, nuts & a few bad
apples
Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?
FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy
records.
Gene-Allergy-Its a contagious disease, but I love it
Genealogists are time unravelers
Genealogy is like Hide & Seek: They Hide & I Seek!
Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people
"Crazy" is a relative term in my family
A miser is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor
I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few
thousand
I Should have asked them BEFORE they died!
I think my ancestors had several "Bad heir" days
Im always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNEflower
Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards, as progress
Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality
Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act
like fools!
Its a poor family that hath neither a Lady of the evening
or a thief.
Many a family tree needs trimming.
Shh! Be very, very quiet.... Im hunting forebears.
Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!
Thats strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!
Im not sick, Ive just got fading genes
Genealogists live in the past lane
Genealogists do it generation after generation....
Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots!
Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree
All right! Everybody out of the gene pool!
Do I hear the rattle of Chains?
Always willing to share my ignorance....
Documentation...The hardest part of genealogy
For a reply, send a self-abused, stomped elephant to...
Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!
Genealogy-will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?
Thats the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards
I looked up my family tree...there were two dogs using it.
I researched my family tree......apparently I dont exist!
SO MANY ANCESTORS...........................SO LITTLE TIME!
________________________________________________________
German Lesson #7
Dog: Barken-panten-sniffer
Dog Catcher: Barken-panten-sniffer-snatcher
Dog Catcher's Truck: Barken-panten-sniffer-snatcher-wagen
Garage for Truck: Barken-panten-sniffen-snatcher-wagen-haus
Truck Repairman:
Barken-panten-sniffen-snatcher-wagen-mechanik-er-werker
Mechanic's Union:
Barken-panten-sniffen-snatcher-wagen-mechanik-er-werker-feather-
bedden-ge-fixen-gruppe
Doctor: Chester-ge-thumpenpulsentooker
Nurse:
Chester-ge-thumpen-pulsen-tooker-helper
Hypodermic Needle:
Chester-ge-thumpen-pulsen-tooker-helper-hurten-sticker
Backside:
Chester-ge-thumpen-pulsen-tooker-helper-hurten-sticker-stabben-placer
Piano: Plinken-planken-plunken-box
Pianist:
Plinken-planken-plunken-box-ge-pounder
Piano Stool:
Plinken-planken-plunken-box-ge-pounder-spinnen-seat
Piano Recital:
Plinken-planken-plunken-box-ge-pounder-offen-ge-showen-spelle
Fathers at the Recital:
Plinken-planken-plunken-box-ge-pounder-offen-ge-showen-spellen-snoozen-
gruppe
Mothers at the Recital:
Plinken-planken-plunken-box-ge-pounder-offen-ge-showen-spellen-snoozen-
gruppen-uppen-wakers
Automobile: Honken-braken-screecher
Gasoline: Honken-braken-screecher-zoomer-juicen
Driver: Honken-braken-screecher-guiden-schtunker
Auto Mechanic:
Honken-braken-screecher-knocken-ge-pinger-sputter-gefixer
Repair Bill: Banken-roller-gebusten-up-totten-liste
____________________________________________________
Murphy's Law for Genealogists
The public ceremony in which your distinguished ancestor participated
and at which the platform collapsed under him turned out to be a
hanging.
When at last after much hard work you have solved the mystery you have
been working on for two years, your aunt says, "I could have told you
that".
Your grandmother's maiden name that you have searched for, for four
years, was on a letter in a box in the attic all the time.
You never asked your father about his family when he was alive because
you weren't interested in genealogy then.
The will you need is in the safe on board the Titanic.
Copies of old newspapers have holes occurring only on the surnames.
John, son of Thomas, the immigrant whom your relatives claim as the
family progenitor, died on board ship at age 10.
Your great grandfather's newspaper obituary states that he died leaving
no issue of record.
The keeper of the vital records you need has just been insulted by a
another genealogist.
The relative who had all the family photographs gave them all to her
daughter who has no interest in genealogy and no inclination to share.
The only record you find for your great grandfather is that his property
was sold at a sheriff's sale for insolvency.
The one document that would supply the missing link in your dead-end
line has been lost due to fire, flood, or war.
The town clerk to whom you wrote for the information sends you a long
handwritten letter which is totally illegible.
The spelling of your European ancestor's name bears no relationship to
its current spelling or pronunciation.
None of the pictures in your recently deceased grandmother's photo album
have names written on them.
No one in your family tree ever did anything noteworthy, owned property,
was sued, or was named in wills.
You learn that your great aunt's executor just sold her life's
collection of family genealogical materials to a flea market dealer
"somewhere in New York City."
Ink fades and paper deteriorates at a rate inversely proportional to the
value of the data recorded.
The 37-volume, 16,000-page history of your county of origin isn't
indexed.
You finally find your great grandparent's wedding records and discover
that the brides' father was named John Smith.
________________________________________________________
The top ten indicators you've become a Gene-aholic.....
10 . You introduce your daughter as your descendant.
9. You've never met any of the people you send e-mail to, even
though you are related.
8. You can recite your lineage back 8 generations, but can't
remember your nephew's name.
7. You have more photographs of dead people than living ones.
6. You have taken a tape recorder and or notebook to a family
reunion.
5 You have not only read the latest Gedcom standards, you
understand it.
4. The local genealogy society borrows books from you.
3. The only film you have seen in the last year was the 1880
census index.
2. More than half of your CD collection is made up of marriage
records or pedigrees.
1. Your elusive ancestors have been spotted in more places than
Elvis.
Share your information...and you will get more......
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Heredity: A Genealogy Poem by Grandpa Tucker
I saw a duck the other day.
It had the feet of my Aunt Faye.
Then it walked, was heading South.
It waddled like my Uncle Ralph.
And when it turned, I must propose,
Its bill was formed like Aunt Jane's nose.
I thought, "Oh, no! It's just my luck,
Someday I'll look just like a duck!"
I sobbed to Mom about my fears,
And she said, "Honey, dry your tears.
You look like me, so walk with pride.
Those folks are all from Daddy's side."
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Who am I?
I started out calmly, tracing my tree,
To see if I could find the makings of me.
And all that I had was Great Grandfather's name.
Not knowing his wife or from whence he came.
I chased him across a long line of states,
And came up with pages and pages of dates.
When all put together, it made me forlorn,
Poor old Great-Grandpa had never been born.
One day I was sure the truth I had found,
Determined to turn this whole thing upside down.
I looked up the record of one Uncle John,
But then found the old man to be younger than his son.
Then when my hopes were fast growing dim,
I came across records that must have been him.
The facts I collected made me quite sad,
Dear Old Great-Grandfather was never a Dad.
It seems that someone is pulling my leg,
I'm not at all sure I wasn't hatched from an egg.
After hundreds of dollars I've spent on my tree,
I can't help but wonder if I'm really me.
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Christmas Eve As A Genealogist
Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse.
The dining room table with clutter was spread,
With pedigree charts and a letter which said,
Too bad about the data for which you wrote
It sank in a storm on an ill fated boat.
Stacks of old wills, and deeds and such
Were proof that my work had become a little too much.
Our children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Wile visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.
And I at my table was ready to drop
From work on my album with photos to crop.
Christmas was here, and of such was my lot
That presents and goodies and toys I forgot.
Had I not been so busy with grandparents wills,
Id not have forgotten to shop for such thrills.
While others had bought gifts that would bring much cheer;
Id spent time searching for a birth date and year.
While I was thus musing about my sad plight,
A noise on the lawn gave me much fright.
Away to the window I flew in a flash,
Tore open the drapes and yanked up the sash.
Then, what to my wandering eyes should appear,
But an overstuffed sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
Up to the housetop the reindeer they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys, and old Santa Claus too.
And then in a twinkle, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each tiny hoof.
The TV antenna was no match for their horns
And look at my roof, with footprints adorned.
As I drew in my head, I bumped on the sash;
Down the old chimney fell Santa - KER-RASH!
Dear Santa had come from the roof like a wreck,
He tracked so much soot - (I could ring his short neck!)
As he spotted my face, good old Santa could see
I had no Christmas spirit, youd have to agree.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the stocking, (I felt like a jerk).
Here was Santa, whod brought such gladness and joy;
When Id been too buwy for even one toy.
He spied my research on the table all spread.
A genealogist! he cried. (My face was all red!)
Tonight Ive met a lot like you, Santa grinned;
As he pulled out from his sack a book he had penned.
I gazed with amazement - the cover it read:
Genealogy Lines for Which You Have Plead.
I know what its like as a genealogy bug,
He said as he gave me a great Santa hug.
While elves make the sleighful of toys that I carry,
I do my research in the North Pole Library!
A special treat I can thus bring
To genealogy folk who cant find a thing..
Now, off to your bed for a rest,
Ill clean up this genealogy mess.
As I climbed up the stairs with gladness and glee,
I looked back at Santa whod brought much to me.
While settling into bed, I heard Santas whistle,
And his team then rose like the down of a thistle.
And I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
Family History is Fun! Merry Christmas! Goodnight!
-David Huffines
(part of this is mine and part is copied and adapted)
Merry Christmas to all!
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The Elusive Ancestor
I went searching for an ancestor, I cannot find him still.
He moved around from place to place and did not leave a will.
He married where a courthouse burned, he mended all his fences.
He avoided any man who came to take the U.S. Census.
He always kept his luggage packed, this man who had no fame,
And every 20 years or so, this rascal changed his name.
His parents came from Europe. They should be on some list
of passengers to the U.S.A., but somehow they got missed.
And no one else in this world is searching for this man.
So, I play geneasolitaire to find him if I can.
I'm told he's buried in a plot, with tombstone he was blessed;
but the weather took engraving, and some vandals took the rest.
He died before the county clerks decided to keep records.
No family Bible has emerged, in spite of all my efforts.
To top it off, this ancestor who caused me many groans,
Just to give me one more pain, betrothed a girl named JONES!
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Census Takers Needed....
From an advertisement in 1869... Now the truth comes out.... Enjoy...
CINSES TAYKUR KNEEDED
Air cowntys groan purty fass in resent years and now in 1869
hits a hard an time consoomin job fur one feller to cownt all thez
peepl.
The fedal govmint wants us tew cownt all peepl whut has cum to
the frunteers of Txsis so they can no whur evrabody is an peepl
fer yers to com can fin who an whur thur and sesters livd an we
kned sumbodee whut can rit reel gud and kan spel purty good is
kunsiderd a ass set to the job. an hit wud be a hep ifn yew had a
gud mul to rid fer hit is a fer pece to walk a foot tew dew this
mpotunt okeepayshun.
not jus enny body kan dew this here job. Hit tks sum body with
a edakashun wich a gud meny peepl dont got rownd heer.
If'n yew tak this mportunt job fer the Yewnited Stats uv
Amuracus govmint, yew kin cawnt them peepl sowth uv town and
ile cawnt them in the northe part ov tha cowntee.
now theys a hole bunch ov thim Jermuns hav setled down in the
sowth ind of this cawnty whut kant hrdlee talk amuracun ner
kan they spel wurth nuthin so yew wil hav to do tha bes you kan
with thim.
Dont wury bout thim narweeguns down there, they all say they
name is yohansun enyhow, yew jest kowntum and put sum ledders
afrunt uv yohansen an sum nummber tween 1 an a hunert as they
haint meny ovem liv much pas a hunert enyhow.
bee reel keerful an git evarbode fer sum day sum body may wunt
tew fin thur four bares an this wil bee tha plaze tew finum.
sined: jHon Dayvuhsun
Cheef Cinses Taykur
Bayhar Cownte txsis
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GENEALOGY
SYMPTONS: Patient continually complains of a need for names, dates and
places. Patient has a blank expression on his face and often seems deaf
to mate and children, has no taste for work of any kind, except for
feverishly looking through records, libraries, and courthouses. Has
compulsion to write letters and spends hours sitting at a computer.
Swears at mailman when he doesn't leave mail or threatens to kick
computer if here is no e-mail. Frequents strange places such as
cemeteries, ruins and remote desolate country areas. Makes secret night
calls and hides the phone bills from mate. Patient mumbles to self and
has a strange look in his eyes. Has a strange compulsion to gather and
scatter old papers all over the house, leaving piles of paper everywhere
with strange numbers and names all over them.
TREATMENT: No known cure. Medication is useless. Disease is not fatal,
but gets progressively worse. Disease is spreading throughout the
county very fast, quickly becoming an epidemic. Patient should attend
genealogy meetings, workshops, suscribe to genealogical magazines and
given lots more forms and a computer situated in a quiet corner of the
house where he or she can be alone. If family supports patient through
this, patient will occasionally come out of strange trance and will act
normal again, unless you drive by a cemetery or court house.
REMARKS: The unusal nature of this disease is such that the more sick
the patient becomes, the more he or she seems to enjoy it, sometimes
dancing with glee and yelling. I found it.
Best of wishes in your journey down
the river of life.
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WHAT IS A YANKEE
In Europe, a yankee is anyone from the US
In the US, a yankee is anyone from north of the Mason-Dixon line
North of the Mason-Dixon line, a yankee is anyone from New England
In New England, a yankee is anyone from Vermont
In Vermont, a yankee is anyone who still uses an outhouse
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CENSUS TAKER
It was the first day of census, and all through the land;
The pollster was ready ... a black book in hand.
He mounted his horse for a long dusty ride;
His book and some quills were tucked close by his side.
A long winding ride down a road barely there;
Toward the smell of fresh bread wafting, up through the air.
The woman was tired, with lines on her face;
And wisps of brown hair she tucked back into place.
She gave him some water ... as they sat at the table;
And she answered his questions ... the best she was able.
He asked of her children... Yes, she had quite a few;
The oldest was twenty, the youngest not two.
She held up a toddler with cheeks round and red;
his sister, she whispered, was napping in bed.
She noted each person who lived there with pride;
And she felt the faint stirrings of the wee one inside.
He noted the sex, the color, the age...
The marks from the quill soon filled up the page.
At the number of children, she nodded her head;
And saw her lips quiver for the three that were dead.
The places of birth she "never forgot";
Was it Kansas? or Utah? or Oregon ... or not?
They came from Scotland, of that she was clear;
But she wasn't quite sure just how long they'd been here.
They spoke of employment, of schooling and such;
They could read some .and write some .. though really not much.
When the questions were answered, his job there was done;
So he mounted his horse and he rode toward the sun.
We can almost imagine his voice loud and clear;
"May God bless you all for another ten years."
Now picture a time warp ... its' now you and me;
As we search for the people on our family tree.
We squint at the census and scroll down so slow;
As we search for that entry from long, long ago.
Could they only imagine on that long ago day;
That the entries they made would effect us this way?
If they knew, would they wonder at the yearning we feel;
And the searching that makes them so increasingly real.
We can hear if we listen the words they impart;
Through their blood in our veins and their voice in our heart.
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